i’ve recently come to the realization that it’s a miracle i’ve survived as long as i have. my diet, apparently, is an absolutely absurd combination of the very healthy, the very preservative-ized, and the downright bad. and many of my eating habits reflect those of a 5 year old.
1. kool-aid jammers 10- as a child, my mom would buy capri sun packs to put in our sack lunches. at the time, i didn’t appreciate them much. i possibly even resented them after 4 years, wishing i could have soda like freddie smith. but recently, i was watching a little kid drink one, and thought how much i missed them and their glucose riddled after-taste. then, at the grocery store, i found low-cal kool-aid jammers 10 with 10 calories for older fans whose metabolisms have slowed. now, i sit at my desk every morning sucking the hell out of my kool-aid jammers.
2. sack lunches – this doesn’t really have to do with my current eating habits, but we’re going to take a short detour. in grade school we would take our lunches in brown paper bags, just like every other child that has ever eaten lunch at school. my dad, one day, decided that the family was spending too much money on brown paper bags. this happened to be the same day i begged to have a duck as a pet. my dad resolved both problems by telling me that the brown paper bag in my hand was my new pet and that i was to take care of it like a pet, reusing it for the rest of the school year. to ensure that i took proper care of my new pet, my dad would literally make me bring him the sack everyday after school so he could sign and date it. for the rest of the school year.
3. popcorn – my mother loves air-popped popcorn. when we move out, she buys us all whirly pop makers. she would (and probably still does) make a bowl of popcorn every afternoon as a snack, or sometimes for lunch. so i never really thought much about it. so when times were tough, i got in the habit of substituting a bowl of light popcorn for the occasional meal to save money. it’s cheap, has fiber, not too much fat, it’s a vegetable. no big deal. this week, though, at least 3 people have chastised me for my popcorn eating and i’m no longer comfortable going to the back room to put my popcorn in the microwave.
4. quesidillas – recently, also to save a little cash, i got in the habit of making quesidillas. just throw something in a tortilla, put it in the skillet. done. again, i’ve come under a wave of criticisms on my choices of quesidilla fillings. that’s all the more i’m going to say on the issue.
5. cooking – i can’t cook. i’ve tried before and just don’t really enjoy it so much. i mean, it’s really not that hard to throw some stuff in a pot and turn the burner on, but it’s such as hastle to clean it up.
example: i had a crock pot at one point in my life. my mother gave it to me for my birthday. i told some work colleagues about it, they got very excited for my domestication and i got a barage of crock potting ideas. they were so very excited about it, i decided to try for myself. so i went home, threw some chicken and broccoli and random stuff in, turned it on and later i had a pretty ok meal. that’s cool.
it was late, and i really didn’t feel like dealing with cleaning it. so i just kind of set it in the sink. not only do i not cook, i don’t really clean or do dishes (when i live on my own). i have a nice arrangment worked out with corrie. so about 2 weeks later, corrie came over with and was going to do my dishes. she took the top off the crock pot.
elsewhere, i’m at work and get a series of 4 frantic phone calls from corrie, then from joel. back at the ranch, corrie is on the verge of odor-induced tears, joel is hanging up the phone mid-sentence and running for the balcony. luckily for them, the garbage disposal is broken, so they spend the next 20 minutes flushing the contents of my crock-pot down the toilet, opening every fresh-air source they can find, collecting fans and writing me an angry note.
this is why i don’t cook. i make hot pockets.
6. vending machines – again, i don’t cook, so my food has to come from somewhere. vending machines are a favorite with pretzels (again, one of my mom’s snacking favorites), trail mix and animal crackers. last year, there was about a two week run there where my entire sustanance came solely from the niar vending machine. gas stations are another winner. i miss quiktrips back home, but holidays have an lovely dried fruit mix that i buy about 3 bags a week.
7. grandma food – this is what i call food that i eat while with my grandma. green stuff (pistacio salad), cheesy potatoes, spaghetti with corn on it, grandma chocolate chip cookies, ham with canned cherries on it, arbys and boxed ice cream with sprinkles leftover from angel food cake mix boxes.
postsecret of the week: two this week