Notably Bad Decisions of My Childhood


1. chewing my brother’s entire 6 ft long bubble gum tape, panicking at the realization that i had chewed more than the intended 3 inches and deciding that the best cover up was to spit it all back out and stuff it back in the container.

2. the perm of 1992. which i brushed out daily for an impressive afro. which took 3 years to completely grow up. which was not remotely stylish, cute or presentableĀ even one day during those 3 years.

3. the hammer pants of 2nd grade: my mother loved to make clothes for us (that usually matched), and she had a pattern for m.c. hammer-esque pants. i’d never actually heard of vogue, so i thought they were great. my mom made about 5 or 6 pairs for me, including on of material (that i picked out) entirely of a map of the world. africa, bangladesh, the caspian sea, it was all there — on my pants. i thought it was the coolest ever, until i got to miss lindsted’s class where she made me stand on a desk in front of the whole class…which laughed at me. in that moment, i realized my error in judgment.

4. stirrup pants. while we’re on pants…i wore stirrup pants almost exclusively for three years. socks would be worn alternately either over or under the stirrup.

5. f***. i sat next to micheal o’donnell in fourth grade (which incidentally is where our joint life dream to run for president was born). micheal knew far more about the world than my sheltered self. one day, he said he knew the worst cuss word in the whole word: the “f word.” the only bad f-word i knew was fart, and i cunningly asked him what was so bad about fart? he whispered, no, it’s f-u-c-k. to which, i asked very loudly Fuck???

i got my card pulled by the southern baptist fourth grade teacher.

5. walking in front of joel. who was swinging at my grandmothers. i got kicked squarely in the face/nose. got butterfly stitches. tore out the butterfly stitches.


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